a reflection of the year 25.

klise, tapi hari ini hari penyudah tahun, hari penutup kepada momen-momen yang berlalu sepanjang 365 hari yang lepas.

2025 bakal menghentikan detik masanya dalam beberapa jam sebelum tengah malam menjelma. tahun yang menghidupkan (though I am very much actively su***dal).

this entry will be a summary and a reflection of the most 'alive' year I've ever lived.

"what makes the year any different?," one may ask. truthfully honest, nothing's rather much different that specializes the year apart from the other last 24. it wasn't a gentle timeline of 365 days. i was stretched thin multiple times, i got my heart shattered in pieces, i found myself a failure still in some aspects of my life, and all other instances where life do not ever feel like it's any easier on me this year. throughout it all, i learnt to retreat into a space of countless self-reflection; sitting with my own 24/7 running thoughts, infinite unanswered questions, emotional distance, and the quiet fear of realizing how much i've been defining my worth around other people.

jadi apa iktibar aku dapat daripada semua kemenjadian yang berlaku sepanjang tahun ni? iktibarnya, tahun berganti tahun, hidup tak semakin mudah. apatah lagi semakin dewasa. cumanya, if you spend enough time to sit and reflect, dunia menghadirkan masalah-masalah yang sama dan berulang. maybe in different font, different situation, different people, tapi intipatinya tetap sama. bak pepatah internet aku encounter multiple times especially this year, the universe will bring the same problem upon you until you learn from it. this is not to say that i've learnt enough from my own problems and mishaps, but i would gratefully say i do realize some of it and may have worked, or am still working on it, and there are some still that i may have yet to realize what lesson i should've grasped and learned.

a close friend once said "sebab frontal lobe kau dah fully developed, and the experiences and skills that brought you here, of courselah kau rasa masalah-masalah kau ada sekarang mostly kau boleh perceive it in a different way".

achievements aku mungkin tak sebanyak orang lain yang lebih menempa nama atas koleksi-koleksi sijil dan cenderamata penghargaan, tapi achievements aku sepanjang tahun ni cukup membanggakan sebab aku pilih untuk buat keputusan-keputusan yang 'menghidup'kan aku. end of last year, i resigned abruptly with very short notice, impulsively applied for my current tertiary study, and ever since i've made wise choice to live the halted life of the last 5 years. (safe to say i'm 5 years younger lah kan?)

aku lebih banyak membaca dan menulis, aku berniaga, aku restart dunia akademia, aku panjat bukit, aku spend time dengan alam, aku mengusahakan seek for mental help yang tergendala dan long list of other things yang menghubungkan aku dengan dunia, makanya aku jadi lebih hidup. dan semestinya, for everything i've managed to ace this year living my life, it always traces back to the people who endlessly love me enough to push and encourage me, trusted me and my potential (when i see none of myself). and so the term "i do not owe anything to anyone" bukanlah terma yang ada untuk aku paksikan. i am very much in debt to every person who always tell me "hiduplah untuk diri sendiri",  "aku selalu doakan yang terbaik untuk kau.", "it's sad to see someone brilliant not seeing it themselves", and many other kind words yang tak jenuh mereka ucapkan. (my tears running down my face upon rewriting all these sentences i've heard, sebak sumpah).

kelakar dan paradoks bila aku mendefinisikan tahun ni sebagai tahun menghidupkan sedangkan jauh dalam lubuk keinginan aku sedekad lepas bahkan sampai kesaat ini adalah mengharapkan bahawa aku tak pernah wujud atau takdir aku bertemu noktah secepatnya. salah satu tanda tanya yang takkan terjawab, but i somehow guess that maybe death isn't my takdir for now because i've yet to meet people who could love and handle my light, my wit, my potential, and just me, myself.

this is to say, 2025 has been good to me. i may have lived for 25 years, but this year is specially different because i consistently choose to pick myself up after every tragedy, i've lived 1001 lives in the span of a year. it made me feel like there's a lot more i can do, and truly i, just like the people who entrusted me with my own life (funny), want to see how much more i can achieve if i actually put the work,. this year has made me better as a person, as a friend.

for the very first time in a very very long while, i'm grateful to have stayed alive. may next year be as good if not better. semoga juga aku sentiasa memilih untuk hidup dan berbagi kepada dunia.