a long chapter comes to an end.

long, long days had come to an end. it has been a solid one month of non-productivity related to being employed. that being said, I am officially unemployed. like a train that keeps going relentlessly for the last 5 years, pouring my all; availability of time and energy, ideas and creativity.

I have been chanting (secretly) of my resignation thoughts, and it feels like words become prayers granted (in Islam, if we were to keep saying something we wish for for 40 times and more, it is likely to be prayers becoming true. in other words; you may think of it as manifestation). (disclaimer: I never actually counted how many times I have utter those words consciously nor unconsciously though).

I may have ended it abruptly too bad, not in accordance to what I've ever imagined, but good God!!! I've never felt any lighter than this moment being the full stop. although I may have forgotten for a while then that are more things to worry and handle about later... (sighs)

5 years and 7 months of dedication, God made me served those years like a really tough betch.

since I am here, as usual, that would only mean rants, as usual. hence, the blog created in the first place.

I've always wanted to be a writer, or at least, wanting to write more, just about anything. and that anything today, would be some regrets of resigning with no further plans ahead. well, let's be honest, I have never been someone who plans things ahead. I mean, I do. I honestly do plans things ahead, sometimes a little too much ahead of time. umm, more of uh... worrying over things that are yet to happen. what's that called ladies and gentlemen?

exactly!

you spell it for me - anxiety.

one month into unemployment, I honestly and lowkey found myself having more fun than usual, as I have more time (duh!) in hands to actually think about having fun. I've been going on more dates with my partner, my sister and cousin as well as my friends. we've been going around Kuala Lumpur and Damansara area most of it. having those moments of laughs and chatters, and good food especially. but theeeennnnnnn, comes the days and nights of repetitive cycle of not having anything to do most of the time, there goes the guilt, the dark thoughts; regrets, disgust, feeling like a failure (that I am), unproductive and the list goes on a long way).

and did I mention an additional strengthen characteristic of being impulsive with my thoughts? DRAININGLY EXHAUSTING!

I have like another three months or so before my unemployment turns to enrolment of my next tertiary education. I have only being witnessing my friends graduating from their tertiary education chapters. while they were away for studies, I was busy making money working days and nights. and how those nights actually changes, that the world spins now, we're all on different ends.

this is not to say that I am jealous of any of them. I believe that everyone stayed in their paths accordingly from the start. they followed the norm as they should. and then there is me, ruining those paths and having to pay my own sins years later. the regrets I have been talking about, though minor, is for not finishing my bachelor's degree according to the societal timeline. and now that I'm reaching 25 that only I'm about to start a new one. but hey, my friend always remind me that different people steer different lives. I do believe that too. hence the reason why I didn't finish it in the first place despite it being my own mistakes that I could've figured things out differently. things had happened, regrets do come by every now and then, I am a human after all. I can't turn back and try to fix anything in the past anyway. it has to go on. and I hope I could learn to be more responsible of my life more in the future. I've been reckless in making decisions and for letting my impulsive thoughts win.

(big sighs) feels a little more lighter that now I have spoken and being able to admit my own mistakes this way. writing. writing. makes me feel refreshed for a bit. I'll have to figure out what to do in the next three months. maybe I should indulge myself more in reading, or exploring new habits and hobbies. or perhaps on how to make passive income (since I still need to survive myself even though I'm at my parents').

till then.

(entry was actually written earlier and some parts got edited and most of it was written on the day I actually posted (06122024)).